Another Sleepless Night (A Moment Of Transparency, Pt. 2)

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God…” (Ps. 42:5).

Another day that I cannot focus. So what do I do? I have not slept well over the past two nights. Things have been troubling me. I believe that this is just a distraction from the enemy to knock me off track. There has been a great amount of progress with things here since moving here, but there is still so much more to go. I do not understand. Why am I allowing this to bother me so much? I do not think I have ever allowed anything to bother me to the point that I have lost sleep over it for two days straight. Just trying to process things. A mind that always moves with random thinking and a multitude of things racing through it is now singularly focused upon one thing.

I am torn between knowing what to do and not knowing what to do. I believe this is the most vulnerable my wife has ever seen me. It is upsetting to her because of her thoughts towards the source of my conflict. I do not want her to be upset, but I know it is only because of her feelings for me. Even typing this makes me feel ashamed. She came out of the room for something to drink and I closed the window because I was embarrassed about the thoughts that I am writing about. I think, for once, I am embarrassed to share my thoughts and feelings with her.

I apologize for venting and ranting. They say writing about your feelings is supposed to be therapeutic or something. As much as I like to write, I am not feeling any better by writing down these thoughts. So I am not sure if this really works for everyone. Maybe it depends on the situation. Who knows? I do not know. All I do know is that I do not know how to resolve this issue that has not gone away. I do not know how to approach it. I thought I was good last night before I went to sleep, but then at 1:24am, I woke up and could not go back to sleep…again…O, wretched man that I am…

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